Take a dip into the
popular culture pool and you’ll soon be convinced that
metrosexuals are the saviours of life as we know it. Thanks to
straight men discovering the benefits of a good haircut, designer
underwear and expensive eau de toilette, the economies of the
world have found an eager new consumer market.
The greater benefits of the metrosexual ‘movement’ relate
to more than just the economic realm, but also the social arena.
Men now openly delve into their sensitive side at the drop of
hat, and there’s little requirement for chest-pounding
and club brawling in this enlightened age. The ladies also profit
from no longer needing to spray room deodorizer under the sheets,
or grabbing for toe-nail clippers before first bedding a man.
But has anyone thought about how the
average homosexual (not that there’s anything ‘average’ about
being gay) feels
about the trendy coifed metrosexual? Nope. No one’s bothered
to ask us. Well, as a card carrying gay man, I’d like to
make a few things clear. In fact I’d like to lodge a complaint
Firstly, these new guys on the block
are unashamedly stealing our thunder. We were the original
well-groomed males of the species.
Now we find ourselves pitifully blending into the masses. What’s
the value of belonging to a minority group if you can’t
be different or at least cause a little stir when you walk into
Then there’s the annoying “is he or isn’t
he” factor. I’m all for celebrating diversity and
reaching out to others that are ‘different’, but
things are simply getting out of hand. There was a time when
one could go to a gay club and know, with some confidence, that
all the men in the club were actually, well… gay. These
days however, metrosexuals have no compunction about hanging
out at a gay bar with their gay friends and being all flirty.
But will they actually put out? No way.
And how exactly, in daily life, are
we supposed to tell gay men from the breeding variety when
straight men are bigger nellies
than we are? Going to a wedding, for example, is no fun at all
unless we’re able to flirt with the bride’s cute
gay cousin. But who can tell if he’s really up for it or
if he’s just another primping sensitive skirt chaser in
disguise. It’s enough to bring on a full blown identity
crisis. Thanks to the metrosexual, our collective “gaydar” is
in the shop for serious retuning.
If gay men were a species able to procreate
(with one another that is) we’d be in serious trouble; unable to distinguish
our potential mates from other animals, we’d quickly and
very tragically die out. (Trust me, we’d be missed.)
There’s also the sensitive matter of our conflicted relationship
with heterosexual guys. Let’s be honest, there’s
no gay man that won’t admit to having a ‘thing’ for
the typical straight jock. It’s all about wanting that
which we cannot have. And while, in my experience, a man is only
as straight as the amount of beer he’s guzzled, I’d
really prefer to maintain my fantasy intact, thank you very much.
With straight men rapidly morphing into metrosexual Stepford-Wives-like
clones, where’s the fun in having a crush on the guy next
door? Down the crapper is where it is.
It’s time to stop the madness; time for the gay male to
turn the tables and connect with his more primal masculine roots
(deep down inside we’re all lumbering horny brutes).
Enough with being so fucking prim and proper; stop shaving your
back, melt down your tweezers, pour your Gucci down the drain
and proudly let out the occasional fart in public.
And, most importantly, let’s
show those straight sissy metrosexuals that when push comes
to shove, we gay guys know
what male bonding is really all about.
By Luiz DeBarros © 2005